RUBEN FOR YOU
In the often excruciating comedy mockumentary series Nathan For You, the show’s creator, Nathan Fielder, tries to boost small businesses with his outlandish and ill-advised strategies. Highlights include instructing a mechanic to complete a polygraph test with each estimate, and helping a troubled mall Santa to sell discount photos at the height of summer. In the most memorable episode, “Dumb Starbucks”, Fielder’s copyright-flouting rebrand of a local coffee shop actually becomes a viral hit. In Nathan For You, the ideas aren’t necessarily bad, they’re just … different. And if you’re wondering why we’re talking about this, it’s because Ruben Amorim’s Manchester United tenure is starting to feel like a particularly painful episode.
Like the Nathan Fielder we see on screen, Amorim is an awkward character to pin down; diminutive and unassuming, he also appears entirely comfortable saying outrageous and damaging things. Seventy-seven days into a new, high-profile job he was practically forced to take, Amorim’s strategy appears to be a simple one: rebuild Manchester United’s status and self-worth by constantly pointing out how bad their players are, and how miserable his job is. Barely a week after arriving at Old Trafford, Amorim admitted it would take longer than his 2.5-year contract to get United winning a title – and he celebrated a three-game unbeaten start by vowing his team “will be found out in some games”. Look, he wasn’t wrong, was he?
After the bold decision to field Casemiro and Christian Eriksen at the heart of an industrious 3-4-3 setup in defeat by Newcastle, Amorim gave his players a shot in the arm by telling them they were bad enough to be relegated. “Our club needs a shock and we have to understand that,” he trilled. That didn’t seem to get the message across, so Amorim spelled it out in simpler terms. “We are the worst team maybe in the history of Manchester United,” he cheered after the home defeat to Brighton. “Everybody here is underperforming.” Nobody is underperforming quite like Marcus Rashford, though. Amorim’s approach to reviving the homegrown hero’s drifting career has been interesting. A quiet word, an arm around the shoulder, or the kind of relentless public castigation that is probably quite triggering for Luke Shaw? Rashford was again left out of the squad for Sunday’s 1-0 win at Fulham, with Amorim explaining that he would rather put goalkeeping coach Jorge Vital, actually 63, on the bench than “a player that doesn’t give the maximum every day,” naming Rashford by not naming him.
United’s penny-pinching industrialist overlord, Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe, is no stranger to dishing out some choice words. He doesn’t care if you’re Dan Ashworth, Sir Ben Ainslie or 250 modestly remunerated employees with bills to pay; if he doesn’t really understand or care what it is you do, you’re going through the Big Door Marked Do One, pronto. Still, even Big Sir Jim might baulk at the ongoing barrage of negativity his new head coach is directing at all concerned. Stranger still, Amorim’s latest post-game beatdown – where he also quipped that his two months at United have made him feel 10 years older – came after a half-decent performance at Craven Cottage, albeit in a game played with an Antiques Roadshow level of intensity. Amorim’s treatment of Rashford might just be his best way of ensuring there is a warm body he can bundle through Big Sir Jim’s aforementioned Big Door before he is forced through it himself. Or maybe Amorim’s shock-and-awe strategy, like Nathan Fielder’s worst ideas, might actually end up working.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
On an emotional and tactical level it is impossible to salvage something positive from this. We were outclassed inside and outside. We didn’t compete at the level that the players have. I am concerned about the feelings of our fans, and they need to know that we are with them” – Carlos Corberán gets that Gary Neville feeling, after watching Barcelona stick seven past Valencia.
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FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
There are post-match interviews that stand out for one reason or another, and then there stands the utter lack of class that came over Ruben Amorim during his victorious post-match demonstration of how to guarantee with gusto that he will be meeting with United’s transfer negotiation team bright and early Monday morning. ‘Hi Ruben, we’re actually trying to SELL Marcus on FOR VALUE and so if you could please not SLAG HIM OFF in public again that would be super great’” – Daniel Stauss.
Am I the only one who had a good laugh at Iliman Ndiaye’s seagull celebration when he scored? It shows a certain creativity which is what the game is crying out for these days. I was going to say that it Brightoned my day. But then at the same time this kind of thing does pose a few problems. How does one imitate a toffee, a cannon, a hammer? And what happens if QPR ever get back into the Premier League?” – Stephen Rankin.
Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s winners of our letter o’ the day are … Stephen Rankin, who wins a copy of Football And How To Survive It, by Pat Nevin. You can buy a copy from Big Website’s bookshop. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
Source: theguardian.com
